If your kid is noisy during the sermon, words of institution, prayers, or any other time during the service when only the pastor *should* be speaking - TAKE THEM OUT! I cannot stand when parents say "they deserve to be there too", bla bla bla - yes... I know... BUT - it drives me nuts when ONE or TWO noisy kids (and their ignorant parents) take away from a hundred or two or three hundred other people. It is impossible to concentrate when a kid is screaming for a crayon, or for their water, or trough of food (we'll get to that next). Not only are you taking away from the ENTIRE congregation, but I bet it is pretty distracting to the pastor as well. So, yes... your noisy child deserves to be there - but I wish you also had the respect and decency to take them out so a few hundred (or even 10) people can receive God's word without having to filer it out through "give me that"!
I have also found that the naughtiest kids have the most *crap* in the pew with them. Can your child really not go one hour without food or water? It's not snack time - it's church! If you think they are going to be hungry during church, have them eat something before. I don't think we need to hear the crunching of goldfish, the fruit snack wrappers, or smell the banana that you brought. Besides the fact that typically what I see is tons of sugary snacks which don't go well with sitting still for an hour. You don't need a drink in church! There is a water fountain outside - get a drink before you come into church.
Those "busy bags" or whatever you want to call it - all the *crap* that people bring to keep kids "occupied" during church. DUH! Pay Attention! You can bring that stuff to a doctors office to "play with" while you wait, or in the car, but at church you are supposed to be paying attention. If kids are playing, reading, drawing, etc, they are so engrossed with what they are doing, that they don't realize that there is a certain decorum that is held in church - namely SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP.
Raise the bar! Expect them to behave - they will! I used to be a parent that sat in the back of church with a bag of cheerios, books, crayons and coloring books. I realized that the kids had NO clue what was going on in church and I didn't get much out of it either (I'm pretty sure neither did anyone around us). Then, I raised the bar. I just decided "no more" - you will sit and you will behave. Was it easy? Heck no! My kids were taken out of church many times, I would remind them (sternly) what was expected of them, and the next time they misbehaved, it meant being taken out and getting a spank. It worked! Even my two year old sits wonderfully through church.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
My husband is a plumber
I am sure most of you know that, besides being a stay-at-home-mom, I also have a successful career with The Pampered Chef. For those of you that aren't familiar - in a nutshell, I do "home shows". I go to peoples homes and demonstrate high quality kitchen tools. Needless to say, its a great gig! It is commission based, so "customer service" is very important to me - I try to do my best to work closely with my hosts and guests and build personal relationships with many of them.
I have been involved with Pampered Chef for a number of years, for a number of different reasons, but one thing I love is that it is *all about me*. I'm not in Tom's shadow at my shows. People aren't doing shows with me because of my husbands role at our church... I am just "me". For some reason I have found some people are amused that my husband is a pastor. I don't bring it up, but others often do. Here is how it normally goes: the host says something like "tell them what your husband does for a living", I tell them and then someone says "oh yeah... what church?". On nights that I am feeling particularly *naughty* I'll say something like "I've been sleeping with my pastor for over 13 years", I then explain, I get a good laugh and then we move on. Regardless, they (typically) don't know him or our church and it is as if my husband was a computer programmer - he is... that's it... there is no personal relationship with him. I like it that way!
Recently our church has gone through a difficult time as a result of a matter of "church discipline". I won't get into all the specifics, but you can imagine that it was really difficult for our church... and our family.
So... I am at a show a few months ago (during the churches most difficult time) and at the very beginning of the show the host said "tell them what your husband does for a living", I told them and then got the "oh yeah, what church?" question. I tell them and then hear "oh, isn't that the church where they are kicking people out" - YIKES! I tried to explain that we were in the process of "church discipline" and another woman said "we all know what is going on over there, now let's just move on". After the show (surprisingly enough it turned out to be a very profitable show) I came home and said to Tom "okay, now you have leaked into my shows". I keep forgetting that we live in a small town!
A month or so later I am at a show and the same thing happened... host shares that my husband is a pastor, guest says "what church", I tell and then.... "oh, I know your husband, he refused to give me communion" - YIKES! How do you recover from that? What a way to start a show! We moved on and later I found out all the details from the woman - it wasn't like she was at the alter and was dragged away, I'm not sure she even ever came to our church - I think it might of been a phone call. None the less, I couldn't wait to come home and tell Tom that once again he popped up in my show.
I have now decided to tell people that my husband is a plumber (he did unclog the toilet once)... I can't decide if I am still going to mention the fact that I have been sleeping with my pastor for years...
I have been involved with Pampered Chef for a number of years, for a number of different reasons, but one thing I love is that it is *all about me*. I'm not in Tom's shadow at my shows. People aren't doing shows with me because of my husbands role at our church... I am just "me". For some reason I have found some people are amused that my husband is a pastor. I don't bring it up, but others often do. Here is how it normally goes: the host says something like "tell them what your husband does for a living", I tell them and then someone says "oh yeah... what church?". On nights that I am feeling particularly *naughty* I'll say something like "I've been sleeping with my pastor for over 13 years", I then explain, I get a good laugh and then we move on. Regardless, they (typically) don't know him or our church and it is as if my husband was a computer programmer - he is... that's it... there is no personal relationship with him. I like it that way!
Recently our church has gone through a difficult time as a result of a matter of "church discipline". I won't get into all the specifics, but you can imagine that it was really difficult for our church... and our family.
So... I am at a show a few months ago (during the churches most difficult time) and at the very beginning of the show the host said "tell them what your husband does for a living", I told them and then got the "oh yeah, what church?" question. I tell them and then hear "oh, isn't that the church where they are kicking people out" - YIKES! I tried to explain that we were in the process of "church discipline" and another woman said "we all know what is going on over there, now let's just move on". After the show (surprisingly enough it turned out to be a very profitable show) I came home and said to Tom "okay, now you have leaked into my shows". I keep forgetting that we live in a small town!
A month or so later I am at a show and the same thing happened... host shares that my husband is a pastor, guest says "what church", I tell and then.... "oh, I know your husband, he refused to give me communion" - YIKES! How do you recover from that? What a way to start a show! We moved on and later I found out all the details from the woman - it wasn't like she was at the alter and was dragged away, I'm not sure she even ever came to our church - I think it might of been a phone call. None the less, I couldn't wait to come home and tell Tom that once again he popped up in my show.
I have now decided to tell people that my husband is a plumber (he did unclog the toilet once)... I can't decide if I am still going to mention the fact that I have been sleeping with my pastor for years...
Monday, November 16, 2009
Holidays
My mother warned me, when I was younger, that one of the first fights my husband and I would have was whose house to go to for holidays. Little did she know that I wasn't going anywhere! That used to bother me - I hated that our Christmas dinner every year was just Tom and I (and later the kids) at the Chinese buffet - the only place open on Christmas. I used to hate hearing about how everyone was going somewhere for Christmas (or Easter) or how they were running from house to house for the holidays. We had nowhere to go. Okay, wait... we had gone to other peoples houses a few times for holidays but it wasn't the same. It wasn't *our* traditions, it wasn't our... family... I felt like a welfare case. I wish our Christmas Eve wasn't broken up due to services and I wish Easter didn't start for Tom at 4:30am and end around noon. He's ready for a nap and the kids are ready to tear into their Easter Baskets. I wish we lived closer to family (sometimes). I wish the holidays weren't so lonely.
The funny thing is - while writing this it started out as "it's great being a pastor because you don't have to go anywhere and you can start your own traditions" - but as I stared to think about it - it is actually quite pathetic. I feel badly for my kids. They don't have their grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or cousins around - it's just us... and Wong's Wok.
The funny thing is - while writing this it started out as "it's great being a pastor because you don't have to go anywhere and you can start your own traditions" - but as I stared to think about it - it is actually quite pathetic. I feel badly for my kids. They don't have their grandparents, or aunts and uncles, or cousins around - it's just us... and Wong's Wok.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Studying with my pastor
Can I have "Bible study" at home with my husband? I know I can with my pastor... but what about with my "husband"? If we sit down to study together, it's NOT "together". His role is clear - he is the expert, not me. It would be similar if we decided to "cook together". Tom is a "master griller", but not so great in the kitchen. So it wouldn't be "together" it would be me pretty much teaching/bossing him around the kitchen. I'm not sure we could learn anything together because we are at different places when it comes to our cooking abilities. Same goes with our time studying the Bible together.
I truly believe that studying together and praying together is a very intimate thing to do with your spouse. You become vulnerable and exposed. I'm not sure that is the case with us. He'll always be way more educated than I and will always take on the role of "teacher". I am sure that is the role with most "normal families", where the husband takes on the leadership role when it comes to at home Bible study, but this is more extreme, I am sure you "pastors wives" understand. I have been attending his Bible studies at church... they are great, but not the same. I want more.
I know I can study on my own, or with other women, bla bla bla - that's not what I want! I want to share all this with my husband.
I truly believe that studying together and praying together is a very intimate thing to do with your spouse. You become vulnerable and exposed. I'm not sure that is the case with us. He'll always be way more educated than I and will always take on the role of "teacher". I am sure that is the role with most "normal families", where the husband takes on the leadership role when it comes to at home Bible study, but this is more extreme, I am sure you "pastors wives" understand. I have been attending his Bible studies at church... they are great, but not the same. I want more.
I know I can study on my own, or with other women, bla bla bla - that's not what I want! I want to share all this with my husband.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Dreaded Phone!
When I was in high school, I had a job at night calling people to make sure that they had received information in the mail about stocks they owned. Perhaps it was more detailed than that, but it was a long time ago, and I'm not sure that I knew what I was doing anyway. That experience made me HATE talking on the phone! I really, truly, hate it! So much so that I don't actually like answering it either.
Having children has only complicated the matter! If I am on the phone either one of them have a question or more likely they are fighting. I have tried to "hide" places to talk on the phone, but they always find me. I hate it! It is my least favorite way of communicating!
But... at times the phone does ring for "pastor". This brings me to my latest *rant*. Okay, interestingly enough, I have to say that as I think about it... none of these situations are from our church members or from Pr. Poppe. (I guess we DO have an almost perfect church, I am just surrounded by "less than perfect ones".)
Situation #1... a pastor leaves a message about someone on our voicemail and I get it first. Now, this wasn't a "hi Pr. Tom, how are you" or "hey can you give me a call", it was a detailed message about a private matter involving one of our parishioners that he named. Okay... I know my husband is privy to all kinds of stuff - BUT - he will come home and say something like "Bren, I heard the saddest news today, I can't tell you about it, you will find out eventually, but it is breaking my heart right now." or "There is a lot of 'stuff' going on right now that I can't share with you, please be patient with me if I seem distant or not myself". I totally respect that... I have to be honest that my mind runs wild, but I also respect his office. So... when I got this call I was horrified! Now I knew too much - what do I do? Pretend I didn't hear the message? Call the pastor and say "hey, loser, I got the message, next time be more discrete" (okay, that's the message I wanted to leave but that would go against my "smile and nod" rule!). I am pretty sure I just told Tom that I got the message and then he rolled his eyes. What if my kids got the message? okay, they are too young to answer the phone let alone retrieve a message, but the case still stands.
Situation #2 - Tom is filling in for another pastor and after a L O N G morning out with the kids, just following the dreaded grocery store trip and minutes before lunch the phone rings. It was so soon after we got home that the groceries were not all unloaded yet... the phone rings. I don't recognize the number and know that there are a few people dying so I better get it. (BTW - Tom is, at the moment not home because he is doing a funeral for the pastor he is filling in for.) As I answer the phone I hear an... ummm... "elderly woman" on the other line. Probably one that hasn't had screaming kids in her care for a long, long, long, long time! She starts to tell me that she has a prayer request for church... but... this takes her like 4 minutes to get just a few sentences out. In-the-meantime, my 2 1/2 year old starts to have a FIT over who-knows-what! (is that too many hyphens? anyway...) so I go outside and close the door to keep the noise down. I figure this will buy me enough time to get the woman off the phone. She begins to explain that it is a prayer of praise to celebrate "something". I explain to her that my husband is not preaching this Sunday, just filling in during the week. And... then Morgan finds me! Followed closely behind by my 5 yr old who is FREAK'N out over nothing. So, I'm outside, I now have nowhere else to go and hide and the woman just won't stop... really... I am sure our entire subdivision heard my kids, but she didn't seem to care. Well, I did. I have to admit, that by now I was tired, hungry, cranky and frustrated, and I said something like "well, pastor will be back this afternoon, I'll have him give you a call, we have your number on our caller id [didn't want to risk THAT conversation], thanks for calling, and congratulations". She didn't stop ! I was running out of time, and patience! I had to go. I said it one more time and then said, "thanks again for calling... bye" and hung up. Maybe I would of been more sympathetic if she was one of our parishioners, or if I knew her, or even had a chance of ever meeting her, but none of those were the case.
In both of these situations I felt really awkward! I have had a few situations with our own parishioners but they are rare and I typically don't know what to say. Like a woman called to say that her dad was dying, had been in hospice and she thought "today was the day"... but then things turn around and when she left he was drinking a beer. It was hard for me not to laugh. I have also ended a lot of calls with "we will keep you in our prayers" - I'm not sure if I am always being honest, I most likely forget before I hang up the phone, but I guess I say it to bring them some peace and comfort.
For those of you that are calling your pastor at home, or even on their cell phone, don't leave Detailed Personal Messages - trust me, he may not be the first one to hear it! And to my friends that I don't call enough - sorry... truly I am... I just HATE the phone!
Having children has only complicated the matter! If I am on the phone either one of them have a question or more likely they are fighting. I have tried to "hide" places to talk on the phone, but they always find me. I hate it! It is my least favorite way of communicating!
But... at times the phone does ring for "pastor". This brings me to my latest *rant*. Okay, interestingly enough, I have to say that as I think about it... none of these situations are from our church members or from Pr. Poppe. (I guess we DO have an almost perfect church, I am just surrounded by "less than perfect ones".)
Situation #1... a pastor leaves a message about someone on our voicemail and I get it first. Now, this wasn't a "hi Pr. Tom, how are you" or "hey can you give me a call", it was a detailed message about a private matter involving one of our parishioners that he named. Okay... I know my husband is privy to all kinds of stuff - BUT - he will come home and say something like "Bren, I heard the saddest news today, I can't tell you about it, you will find out eventually, but it is breaking my heart right now." or "There is a lot of 'stuff' going on right now that I can't share with you, please be patient with me if I seem distant or not myself". I totally respect that... I have to be honest that my mind runs wild, but I also respect his office. So... when I got this call I was horrified! Now I knew too much - what do I do? Pretend I didn't hear the message? Call the pastor and say "hey, loser, I got the message, next time be more discrete" (okay, that's the message I wanted to leave but that would go against my "smile and nod" rule!). I am pretty sure I just told Tom that I got the message and then he rolled his eyes. What if my kids got the message? okay, they are too young to answer the phone let alone retrieve a message, but the case still stands.
Situation #2 - Tom is filling in for another pastor and after a L O N G morning out with the kids, just following the dreaded grocery store trip and minutes before lunch the phone rings. It was so soon after we got home that the groceries were not all unloaded yet... the phone rings. I don't recognize the number and know that there are a few people dying so I better get it. (BTW - Tom is, at the moment not home because he is doing a funeral for the pastor he is filling in for.) As I answer the phone I hear an... ummm... "elderly woman" on the other line. Probably one that hasn't had screaming kids in her care for a long, long, long, long time! She starts to tell me that she has a prayer request for church... but... this takes her like 4 minutes to get just a few sentences out. In-the-meantime, my 2 1/2 year old starts to have a FIT over who-knows-what! (is that too many hyphens? anyway...) so I go outside and close the door to keep the noise down. I figure this will buy me enough time to get the woman off the phone. She begins to explain that it is a prayer of praise to celebrate "something". I explain to her that my husband is not preaching this Sunday, just filling in during the week. And... then Morgan finds me! Followed closely behind by my 5 yr old who is FREAK'N out over nothing. So, I'm outside, I now have nowhere else to go and hide and the woman just won't stop... really... I am sure our entire subdivision heard my kids, but she didn't seem to care. Well, I did. I have to admit, that by now I was tired, hungry, cranky and frustrated, and I said something like "well, pastor will be back this afternoon, I'll have him give you a call, we have your number on our caller id [didn't want to risk THAT conversation], thanks for calling, and congratulations". She didn't stop ! I was running out of time, and patience! I had to go. I said it one more time and then said, "thanks again for calling... bye" and hung up. Maybe I would of been more sympathetic if she was one of our parishioners, or if I knew her, or even had a chance of ever meeting her, but none of those were the case.
In both of these situations I felt really awkward! I have had a few situations with our own parishioners but they are rare and I typically don't know what to say. Like a woman called to say that her dad was dying, had been in hospice and she thought "today was the day"... but then things turn around and when she left he was drinking a beer. It was hard for me not to laugh. I have also ended a lot of calls with "we will keep you in our prayers" - I'm not sure if I am always being honest, I most likely forget before I hang up the phone, but I guess I say it to bring them some peace and comfort.
For those of you that are calling your pastor at home, or even on their cell phone, don't leave Detailed Personal Messages - trust me, he may not be the first one to hear it! And to my friends that I don't call enough - sorry... truly I am... I just HATE the phone!
Monday, July 20, 2009
Smile and nod ladies... smile and nod
My opinion on a the role of a pastors wife has... well... been clarified recently. I have decided that we are not "normal members" of the congregation, but "guests" or "honorary members". We didn't choose to be members, we were.... well... forced to. We don't have a history at the church, we don't have generations to refer back to, we can't just say what we want when we want, and we don't have the ability to leave if we don't like what is going on. A normal member can get annoyed with a church, not like a change that is happening, and move on, go to a church who is more inline with their beliefs, one where there is better communion wine, one that has a different pastor, that has shorter or longer sermons, that has a school, that has different practices, whatever! They can LEAVE! A normal parishioner has the ability to have an opinion that matters... we don't! Who cares what we have to say... what are we going to do? Join another church!?
***WAIT! For those of you that are aware of the "stress" that is going on at our church, this does NOT apply to me! I actually feel very comfortable at our church and I think it is because, in part, of the role I take (and don't take) at our church. I know there is no "perfect church", but ours is pretty darn close. I can honestly say, that if I lived in the area by choice (and not Call) Grace would be a great fit for us!*** (by the way, I hate that I feel the need to clarify that, but I do because I don't want any rumors or any [more] "Brenda said..." true or not)
I think because of that... we don't really have the right to have an opinion on things - I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me, but hear me out. I have recently been in situations where the pastors wife has "had an opinion", "shared them" and I think it has negatively reflected on the pastor. I kind of wanted to stop her and say "do you realize how stupid your comments are making your husband look?" I sort of see it like the penguins in the movie Madagascar... "smile and nod boys, smile and nod" (now I think he may of said "smile and waive", but you get the point). Really... THAT is my role. To stand by my husband and be supportive. I don't always agree with everything... but it doesn't really matter... does it?
I have to admit that I know more than most parishioners - I hear things, people leave messages on our home phone, I am in the room when people approach my husband - I know things I don't want to know! That being said, I have an unfair advantage in most discussions, OR, I have been the sounding board for my husband. I have noticed that pastors don't normally express their feelings about things. Pastors acknowledge, for the most part, that it isn't THEIR church. I recently watched some pastors that I am SURE had opinions on a matter just sit there while "discussion" flew around. On a few occasions they chimed in with either history, or clarification but NO emotion. By listening to them, you didn't know how they "felt" about things. (BTW - Bravo pastors!)
I have also noticed that a lot of stress or tension that goes on in churches are fueled by woman. Guys don't really care, they don't get emotional about decisions...for them it is mostly "just the facts" not "how does this make ME feel". I think God got it right when made the role of a pastor a man's role. I am often more hurt by what people say to my husband than he is - he doesn't take it personally, or hold a grudge, he shrugs his shoulders and moves on... "whatever". For the most part, men don't talk behind each others backs. Women can't let things go. We call each other after meetings, we blog about it, we complain to our friends, we gather to complain some more about "the other side", we're crazy! So from now on I am going to do my best to Smile and Nod! (Sorry... I am only going to be doing that at MY church - the rest of you need to deal with my opinions!)
***WAIT! For those of you that are aware of the "stress" that is going on at our church, this does NOT apply to me! I actually feel very comfortable at our church and I think it is because, in part, of the role I take (and don't take) at our church. I know there is no "perfect church", but ours is pretty darn close. I can honestly say, that if I lived in the area by choice (and not Call) Grace would be a great fit for us!*** (by the way, I hate that I feel the need to clarify that, but I do because I don't want any rumors or any [more] "Brenda said..." true or not)
I think because of that... we don't really have the right to have an opinion on things - I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me, but hear me out. I have recently been in situations where the pastors wife has "had an opinion", "shared them" and I think it has negatively reflected on the pastor. I kind of wanted to stop her and say "do you realize how stupid your comments are making your husband look?" I sort of see it like the penguins in the movie Madagascar... "smile and nod boys, smile and nod" (now I think he may of said "smile and waive", but you get the point). Really... THAT is my role. To stand by my husband and be supportive. I don't always agree with everything... but it doesn't really matter... does it?
I have to admit that I know more than most parishioners - I hear things, people leave messages on our home phone, I am in the room when people approach my husband - I know things I don't want to know! That being said, I have an unfair advantage in most discussions, OR, I have been the sounding board for my husband. I have noticed that pastors don't normally express their feelings about things. Pastors acknowledge, for the most part, that it isn't THEIR church. I recently watched some pastors that I am SURE had opinions on a matter just sit there while "discussion" flew around. On a few occasions they chimed in with either history, or clarification but NO emotion. By listening to them, you didn't know how they "felt" about things. (BTW - Bravo pastors!)
I have also noticed that a lot of stress or tension that goes on in churches are fueled by woman. Guys don't really care, they don't get emotional about decisions...for them it is mostly "just the facts" not "how does this make ME feel". I think God got it right when made the role of a pastor a man's role. I am often more hurt by what people say to my husband than he is - he doesn't take it personally, or hold a grudge, he shrugs his shoulders and moves on... "whatever". For the most part, men don't talk behind each others backs. Women can't let things go. We call each other after meetings, we blog about it, we complain to our friends, we gather to complain some more about "the other side", we're crazy! So from now on I am going to do my best to Smile and Nod! (Sorry... I am only going to be doing that at MY church - the rest of you need to deal with my opinions!)
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Cup
Common cup or individual? I would love to take the common cup... and I would... IF I went to the first service and was one of the first 30ish people to take communion, I would, but... I'm not. I hear people hacking up ugliness, I've heard of Tom having to fish out some bacon from the cup (btw - I am convinced it was a booger)... just ewww! I do have a choice, and I exercise that right, but sometimes I feel as if people that are "more confessional" than I am look down on me for doing so. Thoughts?
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